The transgender community makes up around 1.4% of the UK population. One non-binary trans man talks about their struggle with gender and identity.
Moss (19) is a non-binary trans man from Berkshire. This means that they were assigned female at birth. The earliest memory Moss has of questioning their identity was when they were three years old, but they thought nothing of it until they started school.
“I didn’t really think anything until I started to be attracted to girls and then I realised I was a part of the LGBT+ community. Once I accepted myself as a lesbian, which now I hate to say, I started to get more involved online with LGBT creators and started to learn more about trans people and gender dysphoria.”
Gender dysphoria is a feeling that many transgender people experience. This term describes the feeling in which you feel a mismatch between your biological sex and your gender identity.
"I used to put so much effort into making myself look more masculine..."
Moss once identified as gender fluid. They told their classmates that they were comfortable with she/her pronouns and their birth-assigned name.
“I wasn’t just trying to convince other people; I was trying to convince myself because I wasn’t fully confident with it.
“One day I was crying about it whilst my mum was out. She came home and found me and asked what was going on. I just said, ‘I don’t really feel like a girl, but I don’t feel like a boy either’ that was the first time I told anyone.
“My mum took me to the GP, and they gave me a binder when I was 14. I was then referred to children and adolescent mental health services (CAMHS) and they asked me questions such as ‘do you want to be a man because they get paid more’ and ‘do you want to be man because they are more privileged.’
“I just had to say that I wanted to be a man because I wanted to be happier.”
After CAMHS, Moss was referred to a gender clinic in London at the age of 15. They missed a lot of school because of their appointments. In these appointments, they spoke about their perception of them self and their family life.
“I wanted to be a man because I wanted to be happier...”
“Most of my appointments were whilst I was at school. Before school started, I had cut my hair off and was wearing my binder, so socially I was a guy.
“I used to put so much effort into making myself look more masculine. I wore more masculine clothes and people don’t realise how draining it was.”
Moss was given hormone blockers at the age of 15. For people assigned female at birth, you must go through a series of tests to check things such as bone density as there is a chance that hormone blockers can give you brittle bone.
“As soon as I got hormone blockers I wanted testosterone, but you have to be on hormone blockers for a year. The testosterone was harder for to get, and the appointments were more emotionally draining.”
Whilst someone is going through the process of transitioning, they see the same doctors, but Moss said one of their clinicians left the clinic and the other went on maternity leave, so they were given a new clinician to talk about testosterone with.
“I don’t know what it was about her, but I just didn’t get on with her. I feel like she didn’t understand me.”
“I made a list of every single outcome and traffic light coloured them based on what I wanted, to try and convince the clinician that I knew what I was in for.
“I think because I am non-binary, they were wary about giving them to me.”
Moss was given testosterone at the age of 17 and referred to an adult gender clinic.
“I was at the adult gender clinic a couple of weeks before my 18th birthday. It is completely different. They immediately upped my testosterone dosage and referred me for my chest surgery.”
Chest surgery (or top surgery) is a procedure to remove the breast tissue. For many transgender men, this is a natural step to allow them to fulfil a sense of self.
“no matter how anxious I felt, I needed to get it done..."
Moss went in for their surgery during the covid-19 pandemic.
“I had one appointment before my surgery and was asked if I wanted to do it in person or on zoom, but I wanted to meet my surgeon in person.
“I was too anxious to ask any questions. I was told it could take 16 weeks to have surgery, but I had it early due to a cancellation.”
Moss works at Greggs and immediately phoned their boss when they heard about the cancellation.
When asked about the emotional side of the surgery and what it meant, Moss said: “It hit me when I was isolating in Brighton.
“I was more nervous about the medical side of it and not about how it looked after or anything like that. I knew it was what I needed ever since I came out five years ago. I think that was the only reason I was able to do it, because no matter how anxious I felt, I needed to get it done.”
For Moss, recovery was the hardest part as they felt isolated whilst staying in bed.
“You think that you’re going to be so happy because you finally have a flat chest, but it wasn’t like that at all. I was very sad for a while.
“I feel like it would have been different if it wasn’t during the pandemic because I could have had my friends and family come visit me.”
"Any femininity that I have, I want to be perceived as a choice..."
When it comes to the non-binary community, Moss said that it is important to remember that everyone is different.
“In my experience, I want to be perceived by society as a cis man. I have taken all of those steps so far such as taking testosterone and making my chest flat. In terms of my identity itself, I cannot tell you what I identify as.
“Throughout my life I put so much effort into finding a label that fit me, so I just say a non-binary trans man, which completely contradicts itself. Any femininity that I have, I want to be perceived as a choice.”
Last year, the BBC reported that transgender hate crime in the UK increased by 25%. Moss said that it is important to remember that some communities are unable to have a voice.
“The transgender community is an umbrella term, there are smaller communities with in it. Some of them don’t get to have a voice and we can’t forget about them. I have been extremely privileged in my journey to get the help I needed, not necessarily as quick as I needed it, but I did get it.”
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